Going for Gold engl
by Mathra
Summary: Sirius discovers that Remus has certain feelings for him and he isn't pleased at all, SiriusRemus, rating in later chpt: M
1. Chapter 1

Title: Going for Gold

Author: Mathra

Pairing: Sirius/Remus

Rating: M

Disclaimer: J.K. Rowling

Taryn Wanderer owns the Tea monologue

As you may have noticed English isn't my first language. So feel free to correct me!

Soundtrack: Maximo Park - Acrobat

Going for Gold

Comfortable, this was so comfortable, Sirius thought and sank deeper and deeper into Lily's

bottomless couch. Behind his back he could hear her in the kitchen. Rattling and clattering, the rushing water in the sink and the distant voice from the radio. He let his head drift back and closed his eyes.

Not until somebody sank next to him into the couch Sirius snapped his eyes open again. He looked at Lily who sat next to him with a satisfied sigh.

'Hngh,' he groaned.

'Whatever you say, master of the spoken word.' Lily looked at him out of the corner of her eyes and ran her hand over them.

'Where is Remus?', she asked after a short time when her eyes were shut again.

'No idea. Maybe he's helping James with this thing you aren't telling us about.' Sirius yawned until he was afraid his jaw was going to break and crossed his arms in front of his chest.

'Don't be so curious. When it's ready you will be the first to know.' She yawned showing all her teeth. 'No, seriously, he said he would come to dinner und now it's already ten and still no sign…'

'You just wish he was here so you can make him your willing kitchen slave. I'm just not as helpful as he is.'

'Helpful. I don't want helpful. I would have been satisfied if you hadn't committed horrible acts against my defenceless potatoes.'

'The asked for it, these mean little…'

Lily smacked him with her hand on his head. 'Let me see, not only is my food extraordinary good but it also has hallucinate side effects. Interesting!', she sighed, 'Aren't you concerned at all about Remus? If James didn't… I don't know, I would have gone crazy by now.'

Sirius closed his eyes again. 'Yeah, but you and James… you are a couple, see?' Even in his own ears he sounded like ten year old.

Her next words chased away every childish thought he had as well as his sleepiness.

'Sirius, you don't have to act, ok?', she said, 'I know.'

He turned around so fast he could hear his spine cracking and looked at her with wide eyes. 'You now what?'

'I…,' she hesitated, 'I know that you are together.' She looked directly into his eyes. 'Don't worry, I won't tell James, but…'

Sirius gasped for air, swallowed and began to cough.

'_Together_?', he panted, 'together… What gave _that_ idea?' He sat up and starred at her.

'Well, you live together….'

He cut her off. 'Yes, but only cause he can't afford a flat by himself!'

'…and none of you had a girlfriend in ages…'

'I enjoy my single life!'

'…and I've seen the way he looks at you.'

'He only has big… What do you mean, the way he looks at me?', he stammered and fixed the movement of her lips. It didn't make any sense.

Lily looked at him with big eyes. 'I am sorry,' she avoided his eyes, 'I made a mistake. Just forget about…'

'No, say what you wanted to say. How does he look at me?'

'Sirius, I don't think…'

'Lily,' he grabbed her and made her look at him, 'Tell me what you meant!'

She saw straight into his eyes. 'Like my parents look at each other. Like James looks at me sometimes. Like…'

Sirius released her and rubbed his forehead with his hand. 'No…, you got it all wrong. We are not… I mean, I'm not… and Remus neither!' he added fast.

'No…, no, of course not. Just forget I said anything. I'm sorry, I shouldn't have interfered.' Again she avoided his eyes.

'Lily, I…'

There was a knock at the door, it was opened and Remus came inside his jacket already half removed and with his other hand trying to take off his scarf. He smiled at Lily and then at Sirius, who ran a hand nervously through his hair.

Suddenly Sirius thought of something. Remus eyes were shining with something Sirius had recognized before, but hadn't been able to name it, although he had seen it in Remus eyes often enough to know that it was there because of him

'Hey, you two! I'm late, I know, but I have brought chocolate for dessert…', he stopped talking, 'Is something wrong?'

Sirius looked at Lily and both of them remained silent.

'Where is James? Did something happen?'

Finally Lily spoke. 'No… Everything is fine, we were just…'

'…talking about Communism, which obviously works better in theory than in application.', Sirius finished while ignoring Lily's disappointed glance.

Outside the rain was pouring against the windows while Sirius and Remus stumbled through the front door into their flat. Sirius took off his jacket and threw it in a corner. Remus picked it up and hung it next to his own jacket and scarf carefully on the coat hook. If Remus did ever cut someone's throat and drink their blood he would pull out a napkin to clean everything up afterwards. Always prepared!

Sirius went into the kitchen and put on a cattle with water. That' s what you do as a proper member of the British society, drink your tea. So he made his tea.

He had read somewhere that the typical British man drank an average of seven cups of tea a day. Sirius drank his tea and figured that he must have made up a lot of the average. He and the Minister of Magic. Sitting around and drinking tea.

He was more confused by Lily's words than he was ready to admit. Nobody could make something like this out of air, especially not Lily. But could it be possible that Remus… _wanted _him?

They were friends since Hogwarts, as they were with Peter and James. James, his best friend, his second brain, his brother, and Remus and Peter, his friends.

Peter, who finally managed to somehow step out of James shadow, who had become more independent but also more reserved than ever. And Remus…

Remus, who was to proud to accept his offer for a free living, who he first had to curse before he could bring him and his two shabby bags in his new flat. Who he had to close into the bathroom for a full day before he accepted.

Who was now standing in the doorframe and was looking at him. In the pale light his face looked unusual harsh.

'Hey,' he said, but it sounded muffled, as through an invisible wall. Remus cleared his throat.

'Hey', he answered. Should he… He was Sirius Black, the boy who was sorted into Gryffindor instead of Slytherin and survived, he could do everything. He took a deep breath.

'Remus, do you like men?'

No reaction. Remus was silently starring at him. Ok, new strategy.

'Do you love me?', while he said it he already wanted to take it back.

Something flickered over Remus face but was gone as fast as it came.

'Of course I love you! You, your unbelievable attractive body and James sweat drenched Quidditch uniform, it's a dream come true." Anybody, who hadn't spend seven years with Remus in the same dorm, had thought of it as pure sarcasm. But Sirius had spend seven years with him in the same dorm: He could tell from a ten metre distance that Remus was lying. He lied. Remus lied!

'No, are you _in love_ with me?'

Remus was standing so still that Sirius could see how his balled hands were shaking and his knuckles were becoming whiter and whiter. His face had an waxen look. Finally he bowed his head like a dead man waiting for the executioner.

'I…', he hesitated, 'I…'

'Just say it! Yes or no. Are you in love with me?'

'Yes.'

No, no, wrong answer!

'Fuck!', he began to pace up and down, 'You and Lily, you are messing with me, aren't you?'

'No', Remus sounded miserable.

'No? So you want to screw me? To fuck me?' Sirius thoughts were racing like Muggle electronics. Up and down. Scenes from the past, the present.

'I…'

'Every time after you transformed, when you were lying and shaking next to me, you just wanted to screw me? Screw you!' He was feeling sick.

'It's not like that!' Remus stammered, 'I love…'

'Don't say it!' Sirius was shaking with anger. 'Stop it!'

'I can't just stop it!', Remus voice became louder, but then it broke. Flat and expressionless, without any emotions. 'I'm sorry.'

'You're sorry?' Sirius couldn't believe it, 'Great, then everything is fine! Excellent! Teriffic! Fanfuckingtastic!' Up and down, to the left and to the right. 'You can't just apologize for something like this!'

Remus swallowed and refused to look at him.

'I thought we were friends!'

For the first time Remus glanced at him. 'We are…'

'No! Not, when I have to be scared every time I shower to find you standing behind me.'

Remus almost closed his eyes and the corners of his mouth rose up, and finally, finally he was reacting. His face was changing into a mask of anger.

'This isn't fair!', was all he managed.

'Surprise! That's life. You should know better with being a werewolf and all…'

Remus eyes widened. The moment Sirius recognized what he just said Remus had already fled from the kitchen. He heard loud noises from the hall and then the unmistaken loud bang of a door.

Shit, shit, shit. He didn't mean it like that, at least not the werewolf thing. Damn, why had he mentioned the wolf at all?

Sirius hurried after him until he reached the closed door to Remus room and placed his forehead against it. 'Remus, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to…'

'Yes, you did,' Remus voice came muffled through the door interrupted by a noise that sounded like an earthquake. 'You always do.'

Suddenly the door was pushed open and Sirius almost had his nose broken. Remus came out, hauling his bags behind him while at the same time trying to get past Sirius without looking at him or touching him.

He put on his shoes and jacket, grabbed the scarf and opened the front door. With his back to Sirius he stood in the doorway.

'Until a short while ago I was proud to be your friend…'

He grabbed his luggage and stamped up and away into the darkness and the pouring rain.

Tbc…

Review: Good? Bad? Swiss?


	2. Chapter 2

Of course Sirius put on a kettle and not a cattle (can't get this picture out of my head?!) in the first chapter. Thanks Lykaios Nyx!

And as marauders4 said, I have to torture them a little bit.

Suggestions for improvement are very welcome!

* * *

'Black!'

Sirius lifted his head from his desk.

'Damn, Black, I'm going to tell your mum you need to be put to bed earlier, so you can keep your eyes open at day.

You wouldn't last three seconds with my mother before she would have killed you off with an Unforgivable, Sirius thought. He looked at the fireplace where Moody's head was stuck surrounded by flames.

'I was just thinking very hard.' he answered.

'Then I don't want to know what you look like when your brain is working at his normal capacity.' Moody fixed him with his eye, and then with his other one. 'Where is the report on the Muggle attack in Glasgow? Prewett did hand it in three days ago and I'm still waiting for yours!'

'He didn't break his hand, did he?' Sirius replied, neglecting the fact that he it had been healed two hours later in St. Mungos.

'No, but his brothers girlfriend was one of the victims.' Moody's eyes flitted through the room. Sirius knew it would only be a matter of time until he saw the already half empty bottle of Fire whiskey in his drawer.

He rubbed his eyes. 'I'm working on it.'

'Well, then work faster.' Moody's voice had lost something of its harsh sound. 'Maybe you've already heard that the dark creatures department got through a new law. Just in case you'll see Lupin …'

'I won't, but if I see him, I'll tell him.' Sirius felt both of Moody's eyes upon him.

'They have this new restriction concerning the work and use of magic, and werewolves now have to get registered and tattooed as well…'

'What?!' Against his will Sirius was dismayed. He jumped up and went over to the fireplace. 'That's sick! I won't allow…' His shoulders dropped. Suddenly he realized that he wasn't supposed to care anymore… Since Remus had left their flat three month ago he hadn't heard anything from him. James told him that Remus had found a room somewhere in the middle of nowhere, where the rent was so cheap that even he could afford it. And that was it… Nine years of friendship brought to an end.

And the worst part was Remus was probably right. He had acted like an asshole. And he was paying for it.

'Sirius!' Moody's rough voice startled him. 'Call it a day. Take tomorrow off. Go home, get a good night's sleep and stay away from the whiskey!'

Sirius blushed.

'You look terrible.' Moody went on, 'Whatever is eating you, sort it out. And when you're finished come back and hand in this goddamn report, do you understand?'

Sirius hung his head. 'Understood. Thanks, Moody.' He tried to smile but he couldn't get his muscles to work, gravity had the upper hand. Instead of a smile his face turned into a grimace similar to a sneer, but Moody seemed to understand him. He wasn't the ministry's top auror without a reason.

With a bang his head vanished from the flames und Sirius thudded back into his chair, slumped down and put his forehead on the desk.

* * *

He opened his fridge searching for something that didn't remind him of a creature from outer space or was alcoholic.

Moody was right. He did look bad. The last hour he had stood in front of a mirror trying to recognize himself behind the sunken eyes and greasy uncombed hair.

He had talked himself into believing work had become to much. He had talked himself into believing the bad weather was responsible for it. He had even talked himself into believing after a good fuck everything would be okay. Negative! In every of the three cases.

Fact was: Since Remus was gone he felt lousy. The reason wasn't that nobody was buying food or cooking him a nice meal. He wasn't a child anymore, although he behaved like one sometimes. If he wanted to, he could feed himself. The problem was he _didn't_ want to. What for? Nobody was waiting for him in a home that had once felt warm and comfy but now was just cold and lonely.

He had met James and Lily. They had laughed and told each other stories, but never about Remus, not once they spoke about him unless he had started it. He had done it once and never again because he couldn't bear Lily's accusing looks.

He had failed, all along the line. He had disappointed his friends, he had let Remus down and worst of all he had been wrong about himself.

Sirius fell back onto his couch and put his arm over his eyes.

Remus. He missed Remus. He missed him so much it hurt. And it hurt so much he should have scars to show for the pain.

The last two full moons he had gotten so drunk he couldn't even remember how he had come into the unfamiliar bed next to the unfamiliar girl in the morning. He was ashamed of himself for letting Remus down for the first time since he had become an animagus.

Frustrated he pushed himself up an rubbed both his hands over his face.

Okay, so Remus was gay. He liked men. He liked Sirius to be exact. Something inside himself got very stiff and it wasn't the thing Remus would have liked it to be.

He got up and began to walk up and down

He didn't like man, so much was clear, but he wanted Remus back in his life. He wanted to talk with him about his crappy day at work so that afterwards he always felt a little bit better. He wanted to tell really bad jokes and to make fun of James so that tears were streaming out of their eyes and their drinks came out of their noses. He wanted to have breakfast together, what didn't matter, as long as they did it _together._ Without Remus by his side he felt, what a cliché, empty, worn out, not like his own self.

Even if it meant to become Remus boyfriend, maybe I wouldn't be so bad after all? Who knew? He had never tried it like some other boys in school. How bad could it be? If this was the price he had to pay to get Remus back then the least thing he could to was to try it.

He was many things, but he had never been a coward.

* * *

Okay, so he wasn't a coward, but he also wasn't completely nuts. He called it 'The Experiment', and an experiment had to be carefully prepared and planned. Therefore the first step was to get acquainted with a bottle of high-proof schnapps, after he had showered and made himself at least a little bit handsome.

Step two included apparating close to some notorious clubs without losing any important body parts.

The third and last step was to get inside of one of the notorious clubs, to be given the come-on by a somewhat attractive guy and to finally do _it_.

Easier said than done. Step one and two were quite successfully accomplished, but step three showed some complications.

While he marched into the room with his head held high like a true Gryffindor the familiar flood of bad music, smoke and sweat met him half-ways. The club was small, smaller than he had imagined, and relatively full.

Spontaneously Sirius decided on step 2.5. He fought his way through the crowd until he reached the bar and ordered a beer from the barkeeper.

Then he turned around with the bottle in his hand and watched the dance floor. It was quite full and Sirius could even see some women in the crowd, but most of them were men. Dancing men, men standing on the edge of the dance floor watching other men. Men who discreetly and not so discreetly took along other men and vanished into the bathroom together.

Inside his stomach the alcohol and his gastric acid were having a big fight.

Remus, he was doing it for Remus. Chin up! He looked around and noticed the looks some of the men were throwing him. Especially an old men in black leather stared at him from across the dance floor. He nodded his head to the bathroom and Sirius turned around so fast he knocked down an empty bottle from the bar.

'Sorry!' he shouted towards the barkeeper over the loud music who only shrugged his shoulders. 'No problem.' He looked over Sirius shoulder and then grinned at him. 'You're here for the first time, aren't you?'

‚How… What gives you this idea?' Sirius felt like a nonswimmer in a pool full of sharks.

The barkeeper smiled at him. 'Otherwise you would know Marvin.', he looked at the leather man. 'Don't worry, he won't eat you! Unless that's what you want.'

Sirius blushed, emptied his bottle and ordered another one.

'I'm finished in half an hour, so if you are interested…'

Sirius swallowed, began to cough and looked at the barkeeper with big eyes. He was still smiling at him and coming closer. His breath was warm and damp in Sirius ear.

'That's what you came for, isn't it?'

Sirius nodded, determined to finish his task.

'I'm Rodney by the way.'

Sirius looked closely at him. Rodney was neither very handsome nor was he extremely ugly. His hair was a mixture of blond and brown, as far as he could say in the dim light, and there wasn't anything else about him that was especially likeable or repulsive.

'Sirius.' he replied.

'Nice to meet you.' Rodney smiled at him for the last time and then went on serving his drinks.

Sirius sat down on a barstool with the back to the crowd and tried to become invisible by playing around with his beer and ignoring the accidental and not so accidental touches.

Suddenly he felt a hand on his shoulder and looked up.

'You ready?' Rodney already had his jacket in his hand and pulled him out of the club followed by some disappointed looks.

Sirius took a deep breath as they reached the cool air outside the club and threw a quick glance at Rodney.

'I have to get up early tomorrow,' he cleared his throat, 'So…'

'That's no problem, my flat is just around the corner.'

Sirius took a relieved breath. The last thing wanted was a strange man in his flat.

He followed Rodney into a side street and then inside a small building. While they were climbing up the stairs to Rodney's flat he wished himself far, far away. His hands were shaking when they finally stepped into the flat.

'Do you want something to drink?' Rodney put his jacket on a chair and turned to him.

It was tempting to say yes, but he wanted to finish this as soon as possible so he shook his head and made a step towards Rodney. He just wanted to go home, get into his bed and forget about everything.

‚Hm…' Rodney hummed something under his breath. He took Sirius hand and led him to the bedroom at the end of the hall. Sirius felt like a dog on a collar.

In the bedroom Rodney took of his t-shirt and looked at him expectantly. Under shock Sirius began to take of his own clothes, piece by piece, until he was standing there in only his underpants.

Rodney whistled at him. 'Not bad!' He made a step towards Sirius, took his face into his big hands and pressed his mouth onto Sirius.

In the first moment all he wanted to do was push him away and run, run, run. Then he thought of Remus and forced himself to relax. Rodney's mouth was huge as well as his rough hands and the only thing Sirius could think about were Remus hands, which were so long and elegant. And his mouth wouldn't be so big and his tongue…. His tongue wouldn't be so slippery and aggressive like the one that was just now boring itself into his mouth.

'Come on…' the big mouth muttered and the to big hands pushed him backwards onto the bed, big hands stroking over his body.

'It has been a while, hasn't it?' Rodney panted between the assimilation of his mouth. Sirius felt the pressure of Rodney's dick on his thigh. He forced himself to put his hands on the other man's shoulders while Rodney continued to attack his neck.

Suddenly his shorts were pushed down and Rodney's hand groped his still limp cock. He pulled at him a few times but without any success, then he set up and searched for something under the bed. When he came up again, he had some kind of lubricant in his hands and began to rub it onto his hands. Finally he bended himself over Sirius who felt something stiffening inside of him.

'I'm going to make it good for you.' Rodney moaned. Two fingers forced their way into Sirius and he gasped with pain.

'Shhh…It's going to get better.'

Another finger was pushed inside of him. Sirius pressed his eyes closed. Suddenly the fingers were gone and he already wanted to sigh with relief when Rodney grabbed his hips. 'Come on, turn around…'

His face was pressed into the pillows. Something big and hard tried to manage its way into him. It hurt.

He tired to think of Remus smile when Rodney pushed deep into him and Sirius howled with pain.

'Yeah… You like that, don't you?'

He repeated the movement and Sirius had the feeling, not without any irony, that he could see stars. He had enough. The experiment was finished. He turned around so sudden that Rodney fell of the bed with a yell.

'Hey!' he looked up at him with glassy eyes, his erected dick vertical like a flagpole.

As fast as he could Sirius picked up his clothes and opened the bedroom door.

'What the hell…' Rodney tried get up.

'I'm sorry, I…' Sirius stumbled out of the room while putting on his t-shirt and shorts as fast as possible. Already half out of the flat he heard Rodney screaming from the bedroom.

'You fucking little…'

But what exactly he was, he never found out. Feverishly he hurried down the stairs without turning around.

If this was what Remus wanted to do to him, he could just forget about it.

Tbc.

Review: Good? Bad? Swiss?


	3. Chapter 3

I'm sorry it took me so long, my computer hates me.

* * *

Two weeks later Sirius had finally finished Moody's report but that was also the only positive thing he had to report.

His office was like a lonesome island since he had shouted at Melinda Fawcett and she had burst into tears. On missions he was the only one without a partner and even Moody seemed to handle him with kid gloves.

The worst of it all was that they had all reason for it. His looks resembled a sleepwalking Dementor and his mood had the same charm as this friendly creature.

At night he lay awake for hours to finally fall asleep in the early morning. Lily had ordered him to take a bath and to cut his hair at his last visit which he had done without any complaints. He knew that had alarmed her even more.

Even Peter had tried to mediate between them at their meeting in the pub. He had heard that Remus had found work next to his small flat in a book shop.

It was strange. Nobody knew what had happened, but automatically everybody assumed it had been his fault.

Unfortunately they were right. He was ready to go on his knees in front of Remus to ask him to move back in. He would pull himself together, clean the flat all by himself without any magic, he would cook the most delicious meals for both of them and Remus wish would be his command. Everything, but that one thing.

Sirius turned around and looked at his alarm clock. Half past three. Desperate he pushed his face into the pillow. Without Remus he was a boat in the storm and Remus was the anchor keeping him in place. Merlin, it was hopeless, he already used metaphors like a bloody girl.

At quarter to four he had reached a point where he would have done everything, everything, even that, if Remus just came back. He had turned from his right to his left side, from his back to his stomach and back again. He had tried to count the small hills on the wallpaper in the dim light coming from street lamp until they had changed into human figures. He had jumped up, had taken one of the many bottles surrounding his bed like bees surrounding a honey pot and thrown it against the wall, where it had burst into pieces. Afterwards he had slumped down, put his head against the wall and had made his decision while tears of relief had run down his face.

Finally, finally he had made up his mind.

Tomorrow he would act.

Exhausted he fell into a restless sleep.

* * *

In the next morning he marched into Moody's office.

'Black,' Moody looked up from the roll of parchment in his hand and then looked at the clock on the wall. His eyes became real big. 'What brings you here so early in the morning?'

'I know my behaviour wasn't professional in the last days…'

'Days?' Moody interrupted him. 'Weeks are more likely!'

'Yes, right. I wanted… That is, I would like to apologize for my behaviour and…,' Nervously he bit his lip, 'I wanted to ask whether I could take the next days off…?'

Moody looked at him with disbelieving eyes. 'Take off…?' His voice sounded dangerously low. 'Take off? Lad, do you have any idea what's going on at the moment? I…'

With his last power Sirius managed to interrupt him. 'I'm no help at the moment anyway. Nobody even wants to work with me. Moody, please…' He pushed back his hair. 'I have to put my life back together before I can start to do so with other people's lifes!'

Moody sat there and stared at him with a frowned forehead. Obviously nobody had had the cheek to talk to him like this before, Sirius thought. But this was an emergency. His personal Waterloo.

Finally Moody closed his eyes and in a low voice a 'Hmpf' could be heard. His scarred hands stroked over the parchment roll.

'Lad, listen to me. This will be the first and only time I' m going to admit it,' he sighed, 'But you are the best auror in my department I ever have had, except for me of course. And I'll be damned, if I let this be ruined, 'cause you think you're in a crisis. Understood?'

Sirius eyes began to glow. Did Moody just say, that… No, impossible, not Mad Eye Moody.

'Don't be scared stiff, boy. That wasn't a proposal.' Moody grumbled.

Sirius stared at his shoes unable to look Moody in the eye. 'Thanks,' he stammered, turned on his heel and walked to the door. With the hand on the door knob he stopped.

'When I come back, _I_'m going to be the best auror this department has ever seen!' Quickly he closed the door behind him. He could barely hear a muffled 'That's the spirit.' behind the door. For the first time in weeks a real smile showed up on his face.

* * *

Twelve hours later he stood in the dark hall in front of Remus new flat carrying only his old bags from Hogwarts. Since twenty minutes he couldn't decide whether he should knock or ring the bell, which was a really tough decision.

The decision was taken from him when a tired and exhausted looking Remus climbed up the stairs behind him. Sirius panicked and, although he had roughly planned his next steps (1. To apologize to Remus, 2. To win back Remus friendship, 3. To hex Remus and force him to move back in with him),he had no exact idea what to do.

Remus was visible startled when he saw somebody standing in front of his door. He moved his hand towards his wand, but winced when he recognized Sirius. Slowly he lowered his wand and his eyes drew together.

'What…,' Even from a two meters distance he could clearly see Remus confusion in his face. He decided to act fast before Remus came back to himself.

'Hey…'

Brilliant, he thought, that was the comeback of the year.

'I thought,… That is, if you don't mind,…' He took a big breath, 'Oh, damn. Can I live with you for a while?'

Remus eyes seemed to fall out of his head which didn't suited him a all, Sirius thought, but he caught himself.

'…?'

'Maybe I could come in first?' Sirius asked. 'The bags a quite heavy and I'm already standing here for a while, so if you don't mind…'

Remus was shaking his head as to prove whether this was real or not.

Slowly he came forward but held the biggest possible distance to Sirius, while searching inside his pockets for the keys, and opened the door. Sirius followed him inside a small flat, that was only lit by the glaring light coming from an advertisement across the street. Remus turned on the light and walked deliberately over to his small kitchen on the right. With his back turned to Sirius he began to talk.

'Do you want some tea. I'm going to make some. Black tea, as always, or do you want something else? I have peppermint or some herb tea, but you don't like herb tea, so I'm just going to make black tea…'

Remus was talking to hastily, it couldn't count as a normal conversation. Sirius noticed that his hands were shaking as he put on the teakettle. But maybe this came from the coldness in the room. There wasn't any fireplace or one of this Muggle things, that could have made it a little bit warmer.

As long as Remus was making the tea Sirius had enough time to look at the room. The small kitchen was part of it, in which also stood a worn table and two chairs, some shelves and a desk in front of the window. There wasn't any room left for something else.

Suddenly he had an awful thought. What, if Remus wasn't in love with him anymore? Maybe he had found somebody else? What was he supposed to do? He needed Remus, that was for sure, but what, if Remus life had went on without him? Quickly he looked at Remus, but his back didn't give him any answers. He wanted to ask, do you still love me? But for the first time in his life he was to afraid. If the answer was _yes,_ he would panic, and if it was _no_…

'Sirius?'

He winced at Remus voice.

'What are you doing here?' Remus voice was carefully neutral and he turned around slowly a towel in his hands. 'Why have you come here? Now?'

'_Cause my life is falling apart without you. 'Cause I have to think of you all the time._

Sirius couldn't look him in the eyes and watched the teakettle instead, from which hot steam was curling into the cold air. He pressed his fists into his eyes. His thoughts were changing into steam as well. When he finally looked up Remus was still standing there, watching him closely and waiting for an answer.

'I…' He hesitated. How could he explain to Remus that he was willing to go to bed with him, if he still wanted it, to say how very, very sorry he was and please, please Remus take me back. He thought about kissing Remus and to his own surprise he wasn't disgusted or detested. While he was still wondering about that, something crawled up his throat, so that he couldn't speak for a moment.

'Can't we talk about this in the morning? I'm really done for today. I didn't sleep so well last night.' He was surprised how exhausted his voice sounded even in his own ears. 'Please?' He tried to throw a look at Remus, one of the kind that had always worked at Hogwarts, one that most of the time had convinced Remus to participate in their prank instead of taking points from them.

Remus blushed and turned to the tea.

'Fine,' he said, 'but we're going to talk about it in the morning.' In contrast to his appearance his voice was calm and composed.

Sirius had to swallow.

'Are you hungry? As was going to make something for myself.'

Sirius tried to remember the last time he had properly eaten and his growling stomach told him it had been quite a long time. 'Yes, thanks.'

He was glad that Remus was concentrating on the preparation of the food. Although the mood in the room was everything but relaxed he couldn't stop the spreading of a warm feeling inside of him. He leaned against the back of his chair. In the dim light of the room his eyes fell shut.

* * *

‚Sirius…,' A warm hand was put on his shoulders and was shaking him carefully. 'Hey, Sirius, wake up.'

'Hm…? Wha…?'

'You've fallen asleep, come on, dinner is ready.' The warm hand was removed from his shoulder and where it had just lain coldness spread. Shivering he sat up and watched Remus, who put something, that had a faint resemblance to noodles, on the table.

They ate silently and without looking at each other. It felt like his last meal.

After they had finished Remus took the plates and started to rinse them in the sink. Exhausted Sirius stood up as well, took a towel and began to dry up. He first noticed Remus look when had already finished the second plate. Questioning he raised his eyebrows. 'Something wrong?'

'Are you drying up?' Remus voice sounded as unbelievingly as he looked.

'What does it look like?' Sirius bit his tongue. No, no, no, pull yourself together, a voice inside his head said. 'Eh, yes? I thought it's the least I can do while staying at your place.' Better, much better, the voice inside his head said.

Remus twitched almost unnoticed.

'But… You've never…' With wet hands Remus pushed his hair behind his ear. 'In the last two years I've not seen you as much as glance at a towel. I didn't think you would recognize one if someone was strangling you with it.'

'Of course I would recognize a…' Then he saw the shy smile in Remus face.

'You bastard! You're pulling my leg!'

Remus was now openly grinning. For the first time Sirius got the feeling that everything would be okay. Not only okay, maybe even better. Something hot and molten poured through him. It began in his stomach and spread quickly through his whole body. To his horror he could fell how his whole face got red.

Remus grin changed into a confused smile that slowly slid from his face until it had transformed into an unreadable mask. A mask he knew since his first year in Hogwarts.

To hide his disappointment and confusion he grabbed the towel and went on drying the dishes until Remus turned to finish the last plates.

After they had finished Sirius took his bag and looked around. 'Ehm…, you didn't accidentally hide a guest room somewhere?'

Remus shook his head and now it was his turn to become red. 'There's just the bedroom… I could sleep on the ground…'

'Don't be stupid. I won't put you out of your own bed.' But I won't join you either, he thought panic-stricken. That's what you came for, the voice in his head said. Imaginary voices shouldn't be allowed, Sirius thought.

'I'll just turn into Padfoot and sleep on the floor.'

'We could simply enlarge the mattress magically.' Remus suggested slowly. Sirius stopped in the middle of the motion and hesitated. He tried to wipe his sweaty palms inconspicuously off his trousers. 'Eh…'

'Never mind, I'll just…'

'No! I mean yes. Okay, let's do it like that.' He wouldn't get a better chance. It wasn't without a reason that the Sorting Hat had put him into Gryffindor.

Remus nodded his head almost unnoticeably and walked into the bedroom. Sirius hesitated again but then firmly grabbed his bags and followed him

The room was even smaller than the tiny living room. A shabby mattress lay on the ground in a corner surrounded by piles of books and an alarm clock, in another corner some clothes were neatly folded and stacked. Through the window he could barley see the rough outline of the dark backyard.

Remus crouched down and moved some books in the only not occupied corner while murmuring a spell, so the mattress expanded until it had reached its double space and was almost filling out the entire room.

'Maybe you should put your stuff in the living room.' Remus turned around, walked out of the room towards the only other door in the living room and closed it behind him. Sirius could hear the turning of the key.

He fell back on the mattress and thought about his next steps. Hm, he could walk in later in his glorious nakedness and say: 'Here I am. Take me! But please, please, be my friend again!' Or maybe something like this: 'Comeback to me, without you I'm just a shadow of my former self. And by the way, my body is yours forever…' Argh… And if Remus didn't want him anymore? Then he would crawl back to his old life and wait until Moody got so angry he would turn him into a goldfish and feed him to the cat.

The turning of the key announced Remus return. Sirius grabbed some of his stuff and vanished into the bathroom. Although bathroom was an insult to bathrooms all over the world. There was barley enough room for a sink, a toilet and a small shower. He made the mistake of walking inside forwards and had to walk out backwards because it was impossible to turn around, so he slipped inside with his back first.

* * *

Some minutes later he came back into the bedroom where Remus already lay on the mattress facing the wall and the blanket drawn up to his chin. Obviously he faked sleeping because he didn't give any sounds from him and after seven years in the same dorm you know whether somebody was sleeping or not.

Sirius shivered in his pyjamas. It was quite cold. How much would it cost to head the flat? He already felt uncomfortable enough.

Slowly and carefully he lay next to Remus, anxious not to touch him. He knew Remus wasn't asleep. And he knew that Remus knew that he wasn't asleep. And he knew that Remus knew that he knew that he wasn't asleep. Argh… Oh, what the hell!

Sirius turned onto his back and starred at the ceiling in the dim light coming through the window.

He felt the heat coming from the body next to his and automatically he slid closer. He could just stop his foot from touching Remus leg. Remus must have felt it as well. It was impossible to move his foot away but also impossible to make the final step and touch him. He lay there, like a stranded ship without any chance to free himself, as if his foot didn't belong to himself anymore.

'Remus?'

Silence, but he felt Remus body go stiff next to him.

'Remus, I know you're awake.'

Still no reaction. There could be lying a two thousand year old mummy next to him for all he knew, well, except for the smell.

'Are you still in love with me?'

A gasp came from Remus back, then silence. He was still facing the wall when he finally spoke.

'Sirius,… It's not that simple, you know?'

Finally something he understood. He nodded until he realized that Remus couldn't see him.

'I know, I…'

'What do you expect from me? I can't just stop it.' Remus whispered with a desperate voice.

Relief flooded through Sirius like the sun through a church window. Remus still needed him. He needed him as much as he needed Remus. Maybe not exactly in the same way, but still. When he first had found out about this whole thing he had totally freaked out, but now he just felt…relieved.

He turned onto his side and looked at Remus outline. Remus, who still didn't show any sign of turning around. Sirius took together all his courage.

He closed the gap between them and lay his arm carefully on Remus hip, while he pressed himself against Remus back and his face bashfully between his neck and shoulder blades. He could feel Remus stunned gasp for air, after that again only silence. Just as he began to worry Remus started breathing again irregularly.

'Sirius… What are you… His voice broke. It sounded as irregularly as his breath.

'I…I don't know…'

Remus tried to free himself from his clutch, but Sirius pressed them even further together until he thought that there was slowly a vacuum emerging between them.

'Sirius,' Remus voice now sounded definitely sharper. 'What are you-'

'Wait…I…' He buried his face even deeper in Remus shoulder and his voice became a barely audible sound. 'I mean, if you want to, you can… with me…if you want to…I would do it!' He finally managed to murmured in a hurry.

Remus froze in his arms.

'You don't mean that.' Remus voice was softer then during the whole evening.

'Of course,… I…' Sirius stammered feverishly.

'Just listen to yourself. You can't even say it.' Remus again tried to turn around, more carefully and slower then the last time, and this time Sirius let him. But he turned as well and pressed his face into the pillow, so that he didn't have to look at Remus.

He pressed his eyes closed and tried to suffocate himself with the pillow. Remus seemed to have learned how to read his thoughts because he said: 'Sirius, if you don't come up for air sometime soon, this will be a really depressing suicide.'

'I can breath through a pillow.' Sirius murmured into the pillow.

'Nobody can breath through a pillow, that's why they are so often used as murder weapons.' Remus lectured him.

Sirius gave up and turned himself on his back while carefully watching the ceiling and not, no, not Remus.

'Sirius…'

He continued to stare at the ceiling.

'…Come on, tell me what happened.' Remus took a breath. 'First you act as if I have died, you don't contact me in months, then you suddenly appear on my doorstep looking like a maltreated house elf announcing you want to life with me. And then you try to… I just don't know… I thought I sicken you, at least that was what you said… and now…'

Sirius blushed fiercely and was glad that Remus couldn't see him in the dark room. He tried to find the right words, but all he could think off was his terrible behaviour the night Remus had left.

'After you were gone…' He started slowly. 'I couldn't sleep, I couldn't eat… At the ministry everything went wrong… And Lily looked at me so strangely… And then, I don't know, everything went to hell from there. The flat looks as if a pride of kneazels had lived there for a while. And…' exhausted he broke off.

'And what?' Remus asked carefully.

'And… I missed you. It doesn't matter what I touch, everything goes down and all I can think about is why you aren't there. Or if you were here, everything would be better. I can't stand it anymore, you have to come back. Or I'll move in with you, it doesn't matter.' Suddenly he felt so tired that he could have gone to sleep that very moment.

'Sirius, that is the most egoistic and self-pitiest thing I've ever heard you say!'

Startled Sirius looked up and barely saw the tiny smile on Remus lips.

Encouraged he went on: 'And I wanted to apologize for my behaviour… It was simply..' He didn't know what to say.

'Disgusting, repulsive, hurtful, wrong…', Remus helped him.

'Yes, exactly! And I mean, if you fancy men now… that's okay with me, I mean…'

'Thank you, you are too grateful!' Remus said and his voice was dropping with sarcasm, every word a punch in Sirius gut.

'No, listen to me…', he sat up. 'I was in this club, with this man, and we have, that is…' Nervously Sirius folded his fingers while Remus starred at him with disbelieving eyes. 'And it wasn't really nice and it hurt, but if you want, I'll be your boyfriend and you can…' His voice broke and his hands were shaking so much that he had to press them against his stomach to still them.

He winced as Remus took his hands into his.

'Sirius, listen, I'll always be your friend, no matter how daft you are.' He looked into his eyes. 'But when you believe that I would use you like this… That hurts me more than anything you've done in the last years.' Remus squeezed his hand. 'Thanks for your offer, but that's not what I want. Can you understand that? I can't be close to you when I know that I disgust and scare you.'

Remus words cut him deeper then he could ever have imagined.

'But I'm not scared of you! Never, never would I be disgusted by you!'

'That were your words…'

'I know, but I was daft idiot. Don't listen to me. I'll make it up to you. Everything! I promise!' He loosened his hands from Remus grip and grabbed his arms. And finally he had a revelation. No, it was more like another punch in the stomach. All his feelings, all the rubbish in the last months, and the only thing he could think of was that he had felt happier here in the last hours than in the last three months. After he had taken a deep breath he continued. 'I don't know if I love you, okay? I only know that I'm thinking of you, constantly, all the time, and I feel like crap when we don't see each other and that I miss you. Isn't that something?'

'Fuck, Sirius, cut this crap out!' Remus tried to break away from him, but he held him close with all his strength.

'That's no crap! I mean it!' He shook Remus to prove his point.

'That's bollocks. I don't want to get hurt, not again.'

'Now you're unfair. Don't I get a second chance?'

'Like last time? With Snape?'

Sirius turned pale. 'I have paid for, haven't I?', he muttered. 'I can't prove it. Either you believe me or not. Either way let me be your friend again. Don't shut me out. I sincerely apologize for my stupid behaviour. I'm sorry, I really am.'

Remus thoughtfully looked at him for a long time. Sometimes he had the feeling that Remus could read him like an open book.

'I have no idea how this is supposed to work.' Remus said eventually and Sirius was so relieved his eyes were burning. He turned away and wiped them with his sleeve. 'I have to be totally daft.' Remus sighed.

'Then we are already two.' Sirius said quickly. 'We'll think of something…'

Remus looked at him and swallowed. In a flash of panic that Remus might have changed his mind he threw himself at Remus and hugged until he was afraid he had suffocated him. Then he heard a surprised 'Umpf', but Remus returned the hug even if it was much more guarded.

A feeling of relief and warmness flooded through Sirius and he couldn't think of the last time he had ever felt so secure. This was the moment his mind finally closed down and his thoughts stopped racing. He pressed his nose in Remus neck and breathed in.

'Sirius… are you snuffling at me?' Remus asked him and Sirius could feel his small laughter spreading through both of their bodies.

'Come on,' Remus said and tried to loosen himself from Sirius. 'Let's go to sleep and tomorrow we'll see.'

Sirius nodded into his neck and carefully both of them lay down, while he wouldn't let go of Remus. So tired and worn out he hadn't felt since… he had never felt before in his life.

* * *

Sirius woke up as the sun was sending its first beams through the frosted window into the room. They fell on the accurately piled up books and he could clearly see the lazy dust surrounding them.

At the same time he felt a warmness in his body which most likely came from the young man he was snuggling to. What? Sirius tore his eyes wide open. His first impulse was to run.

Then he remembered the last evening and relaxed, at least a little. He didn't dare to move because he was afraid to wake up Remus, since Remus was the young man lying next to him.

Slowly he collected his thoughts. He was lying in a bed, closely snuggled to somebody (Remus) and he was… well, he was happy.

Merlin, did he fancy men now? Some facts were definitely pointing in that direction. Then he thought of Rodney and felt sick. No, he didn't fancy men, but maybe… maybe he just fancied Remus.

Here and now it was so different then it was with Rodney. Could he imagine himself and Remus…? Slowly he raised his head and looked at Remus face. In his sleep Remus face was open and relaxed, so different from the mask he usually wore.

His mouth looked soft, definitely a mouth you could kiss. And without further meditation he tentatively stroked his thumb over Remus lips.

Sirius flinched as Remus opened his immediately. Misty-eyed he looked at him then his eyes focused and seemed to shimmer. His smile seemed to come alive and spread from his mouth to his whole face until Sirius had the sudden urge to touch it. He wanted to catch and protect it, to put it into his own hiding place.

'Morning', he murmured.

'Morning,' Remus murmured back.

And then he kissed Remus. He closed the gap between them and pressed his mouth onto Remus. Remus looked surprised and tried to detangle himself from Sirius, but Sirius took his face into his hands and rolled him onto his back until he could brace himself with his elbows on both sides of Remus head.

It wasn't so different than kissing a girl, except that it was totally different! Remus mouth was much bigger than any girls mouth he had ever kissed, and that hadn't been few, and his chin wasn't as soft as a girls chin. Girls… Remus wasn't a girl… panic welled up in him… but Remus was Remus and with this thought he tried to deepen the kiss.

He slipped his tongue into Remus mouth and suddenly they were _kissing_. Remus grasped his shoulder and pulled him downwards. He made a choked sound and Sirius was oddly proud that he was the reason for this sound.

He stroked his hand through Remus hair and why had he never noticed how good Remus smelled? He didn't smell like books or tea but like something new and peculiar that he couldn't describe even if he had wanted to and that he classified into the new file 'Remus – the mysterious being' inside his brain.

His breath became faster and faster and satisfied he noticed that Remus had the same difficulties.

Remus hand slid from his shoulder to his side and down until he reached the edge of his pyjama and then circled his hand gently up and down the upper part of his body. Sirius lifted his own hand from Remus hair and, while he slid his mouth from Remus cheek to his neck, moved it tentatively under Remus shirt.

'Can I…,' He whispered between two kisses behind Remus ear.

'Merlin… yes…'Automatically Sirius had to grin. He had caused this reaction…

Suddenly Remus turned both of them around with so much strength that Sirius found himself on his back with Remus above him, who was kissing him so hard that he almost saw stars. It weren't romantic shooting stars girls raved about, but the kind of stars you saw when you hit your head on a especially hard beam.

Now it was his time to gasp for air. He reared up against Remus and felt his whole weight above him and something else, something that reminded him absolutely not of a girl but of a dark room and cold damp hands.

He froze and held his breath. Above him Remus stopped as well and looked down at him with glassy eyes, while his hair fell into his face. If he hadn't just burst out into cold sweat he would have laughed, because Remus looked so thoroughly kissed, that a big part of his strain disappeared. Remus pupils were wide, his lips dark und swollen and his cheek reddened from Sirius own one.

Sirius starred at him. He couldn't turn away and slowly he relaxed.

Remus returned the look. Eventually he bashfully looked away und rolled next to Sirius on the mattress.

'I'm sor…'

'Don't say you're sorry!' Sirius interrupted. 'Cause I'm not.' He took Remus hand which lay between them and interlaced their fingers. 'It's just too fast, okay? I just need a little bit more time.'

Remus turned towards him so that their faces were only centimetres apart next to each other on the pillow.

'Are you sure?' Remus whispered.

'I'm sure.' Sirius answered and carefully kissed him. 'I'm going to make it. Trust me.'

'I do.' Remus simply said.

They kissed for a while, but it were slow and lazy kisses which didn't have any of the urgency of the earlier ones.

Remus stroked his hand over Sirius face. He drew the lines of his eye brows with his fingers and drove them over his mouth. Finally he pulled the blanket from beneath them, threw it over them and they huddled against each other.

Sirius felt as if they were in a cave in which they were invincible and he knew for sure that they were going to make it. Whatever kind of monsters, Death Eaters or bad memories were out there, they were going to make it. He was Sirius Black after all.

Just when his eyes fell shut and his breath became slower and slower Sirius heard a faint whisper next to his ear.

'Sirius…?'

'Hm…'

'Do you fancy men now?'

'No,' he mumbled. 'I only fancy you…'

And the low chuckle that vibrated from Remus body onto his own was the last thing he heard before everything went dark.

The End

* * *

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